It has been a while since I have blogged here. I am now in my final year of medical school, I came a long way to be here. Yet something feels missing, the sense of worthlessness and self doubt lingers.
I battled depression for a long time. I genuinely thought it was gone, since finals were over, when I thought everything is back to normal, when I actually felt happiness. I was wrong, it is still here. Somehow I have to embrace this darkness is part of me. Like a jagged jigsaw, I dont fit anywhere, I can't fit anywhere. The society I am in does not accept me for who I am. Everywhere I go, I was told there is something wrong with my personality, but never what is actually wrong with it, as if I can change that.
I think back on the trials I faced last year. Facing AHPRA and the medical board panel, it felt like yesterday all over again. The matter itself has resolved, but the shadow of it looms above me. I want to scream, shout and just run away from all these problems, forget all these, but they latch on.
Some days I just want to jump into the sea and drown. Or hang myself and get it over with. I never had the courage to do so. Not many people will remember who I am anyway, only a few that matters. For many, it would be more of a favor than anything, erasing my existence from their lives, that would be the only good I would be doing them.
I want to do right by everyone, but I am a broken man. I cannot do right by myself. This ongoing torment, goes on.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
September rant
It is 8-9-2016, time to do a reflection on my past and make plans for the future.
3rd year medicine has been intense. In fact, it has been since 1st year. I've come so far without even thinking or looking back at what I have said or done. I have changed so much since high school and college years , both being better and being worse.
Obviously, well I am less attention seeking , which is good. Oh well, I find it disgusting when people argh, fish for likes on FB, rant or whatever, well I guess there is a reason for all that, we all need to grow up some day. I still rant sometimes, and some accidental rants on FB which is unwise, I guess this is the best platform for me to rant.
First up, there are the people who claim to be religious. This are the people who are the least religious of all. Gosh, really, "Oh, I'm a dignified christian, I do everything in the name of the Lord." but really, all they do it is for their own fame, and if you really look into their lives, they are a piece of shit. They talk bad about other people, they judge other people. Oh well, I am doing the same towards them too, but I never ever felt like I am the holiest one around. They go to bible studies every single week, they do stuff for their churches, but really, they never put it into practice, so what's the point.
Then there are the people in the student association I am serving in. I cannot stand people who never rock up to any events, but then rock up to "steal" positions that are rightfully ours, considering that well technically, I have done so much for this club, but they have only just arrived. I am not fussed about getting the position or not, but the one thing I am frustrated is the opportunities this club has lost the moment I am not in the committee #truestory, I am positive that with my contributions the club will fluorish considering that this year it has gone to shit.
And then there is the issue of unfairness in this world. Why isn't the irresponsible person getting the fate that she deserved, while the undeserving nice optimistic couple, gets a life of hell from just a motor vehicle accident? Why are all these happening?
To be honest, some medical students are the most hypocritical pieces of spoilt shit. We are taught to at least act to be empathic, when some of us really are not empathic at all. (doesn't apply to everyone). True that, we have a higher level of ego than everyone else, but I guess being in this field of work, there always naturally comes a sense of superiority over every other field because obviously your lives are in our hands.
Enough of ranting about other people, I am gonna rant about myself now. I feel like I can tolerate myself sometimes , given all the insults that I throw up to people sometimes, it almost comes naturally. It started out as a joke and friendly banter, but I feel like I have gone overboard, and I cannot really take it anymore, sometimes I feel like slapping myself for that. I have been really rash with my decisions, doing things without thinking of what will happen , which I guess I should change. I've been lazy as well, slacking so much, that I have been doing lesser work than I should be, which is really not so good because finals is coming .
The most disappointing thing is I can see other people getting help from other people voluntarily, while I strive to help others, I didn't get the same amount of help I should be given. I'm gonna put my trust in the committee this year and see what they can come up with this year to help out the preclinical years.
3rd year medicine has been intense. In fact, it has been since 1st year. I've come so far without even thinking or looking back at what I have said or done. I have changed so much since high school and college years , both being better and being worse.
Obviously, well I am less attention seeking , which is good. Oh well, I find it disgusting when people argh, fish for likes on FB, rant or whatever, well I guess there is a reason for all that, we all need to grow up some day. I still rant sometimes, and some accidental rants on FB which is unwise, I guess this is the best platform for me to rant.
First up, there are the people who claim to be religious. This are the people who are the least religious of all. Gosh, really, "Oh, I'm a dignified christian, I do everything in the name of the Lord." but really, all they do it is for their own fame, and if you really look into their lives, they are a piece of shit. They talk bad about other people, they judge other people. Oh well, I am doing the same towards them too, but I never ever felt like I am the holiest one around. They go to bible studies every single week, they do stuff for their churches, but really, they never put it into practice, so what's the point.
Then there are the people in the student association I am serving in. I cannot stand people who never rock up to any events, but then rock up to "steal" positions that are rightfully ours, considering that well technically, I have done so much for this club, but they have only just arrived. I am not fussed about getting the position or not, but the one thing I am frustrated is the opportunities this club has lost the moment I am not in the committee #truestory, I am positive that with my contributions the club will fluorish considering that this year it has gone to shit.
And then there is the issue of unfairness in this world. Why isn't the irresponsible person getting the fate that she deserved, while the undeserving nice optimistic couple, gets a life of hell from just a motor vehicle accident? Why are all these happening?
To be honest, some medical students are the most hypocritical pieces of spoilt shit. We are taught to at least act to be empathic, when some of us really are not empathic at all. (doesn't apply to everyone). True that, we have a higher level of ego than everyone else, but I guess being in this field of work, there always naturally comes a sense of superiority over every other field because obviously your lives are in our hands.
Enough of ranting about other people, I am gonna rant about myself now. I feel like I can tolerate myself sometimes , given all the insults that I throw up to people sometimes, it almost comes naturally. It started out as a joke and friendly banter, but I feel like I have gone overboard, and I cannot really take it anymore, sometimes I feel like slapping myself for that. I have been really rash with my decisions, doing things without thinking of what will happen , which I guess I should change. I've been lazy as well, slacking so much, that I have been doing lesser work than I should be, which is really not so good because finals is coming .
The most disappointing thing is I can see other people getting help from other people voluntarily, while I strive to help others, I didn't get the same amount of help I should be given. I'm gonna put my trust in the committee this year and see what they can come up with this year to help out the preclinical years.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
A trip to Long Lamai (2013 and 2014)
It all started last year, I was this ordinary kid who sometimes question God's existence in my life, in pursuit of unanswered questions and doubts I had of God. Is He really Him? Is He the God described to me all throughout my life?I often wondered. After years of education and knowledge, I know there is a God up there, but what kind of God is he? There is this emptiness in me, and a fire that burns, urging me to look for answers. I prayed.
July 2013
Missions, the church is talking about missions. It was their theme. One Sunday, I sat on 1 of the chairs thinking of the word 'missions'. I feel it calling out to me, I know God wants a connection with me, I prayed for God's wisdom and finally I made a decision to go for a mission trip, to serve God and His people, to spread the Good news to people and my personal experiences and encounters with God.
I worked right away and after much enquiries I found out about the mission trip to long lamai led by Dr Herbert Tan.
October 2013
Trip is finalised, everything is ready to go.
November 2013
21st November - Offer from University of Adelaide to study medicine arrived
22nd November - heading off to Rawang for mission trip briefing and training
24th November - Heading into Miri and from there, an 8 hour 4wd into Lg Banga then 40 minutes boat ride into Long Lamai.
I do not know what to expect, for months I have been waiting for a response, and praise the Lord I got my offer 1 day before my mission trip. I know I made the right choice, I know God is watching over me.
In Long Lamai last year, God showed me a lot. I learned to love His people more, I saw what God wants me to see. I experienced simple faith. I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. Being someone who has always been a 'see to believe' person, I finally concluded that God is indeed there,the same God described to me over the past 20 years of my life.
I see my past , my present and my future. Him giving me a chance, opening doors for me to study medicine conveys a message , telling me that I will become an inspiration to the future. "Being a doctor, its not a job, it's a calling."
I see miracles in the village, some which I am still in awe with. I see clouds of glory, shining above the village, with photo evidence.
God showed his love towards the village. I got what I was asking for, I found the answer.
2014
I made it to Adelaide for further studies. At times certain events in my life displeases God. Hence, I have made a decision to reenter Long Lamai as a reminder to myself of God's existence.
November 2014
This time I went in as a first year medical student, I have a tad more knowledge about medications and certain illnesses. Being the doctor's assistant, I even gave a talk on diabetes mellitus in Bahasa Melayu to the people there, much to my amazement, even with my limited proficiency I managed to cover most of the important points , thanks to the help of the doctor, Dr Khoo Khong Beng.
God showed me something totally different this year. I have never believed in demon possessions all these while. God showed me one in the village. I was among one the people who stood forward to pray for the demon possessed person and I could feel the spiritual attacks. I never prayed that hard before in my life, and it was one of the most eeriest experience I ever encountered.
I have to say it was the hardest prayer I ever did in my life.While I was praying I could see what the person sees, a woman in white, with long hair and nails, eyes of an owl and the face of a monkey. I shivered in coldness and all my hair stood, i can feel the attacks on my sinful past. I did not fear, I prayed on . If not because of my strong faith, the demon could have leaped on me.
As I have said , I am one of the stubbornest person ever in this world, it is not until I see something to believe in it. I could now say that demons too do exist. Within minutes , the prayers got the demon out of her, and everything went back to normal. It was one of the weirdest feelings I ever had.
Then I learnt that Borneo housed the most ferocious demons and spirits, and that many people has been possessed.
Last year god showed me the power of the Holy Spirit, this year He showed me the power of the evil spirits. and the take home message is , when we are face to face with a demon, there shouldn't be fear, as God is always stronger than all these demons, Faith that is strong is also required.
I learnt more in this trip than I did last year. I learnt the hardships of certain individuals and how God worked in their lives. I learnt to love more than I ever could, and I gained confirmation of my faith. As I go through my medicine course, learning about the wonders of the human body, I am more convinced that there is a God. How can there be no God? The One that puts everything in place. nothing happens by accident. Why is everything so perfectly weaved in the human body, the DNA, the cells, the interconnections?
Deep down I know the answer lies with God.
And as I am writing this, I kinda miss Long Lamai already.
July 2013
Missions, the church is talking about missions. It was their theme. One Sunday, I sat on 1 of the chairs thinking of the word 'missions'. I feel it calling out to me, I know God wants a connection with me, I prayed for God's wisdom and finally I made a decision to go for a mission trip, to serve God and His people, to spread the Good news to people and my personal experiences and encounters with God.
I worked right away and after much enquiries I found out about the mission trip to long lamai led by Dr Herbert Tan.
October 2013
Trip is finalised, everything is ready to go.
November 2013
21st November - Offer from University of Adelaide to study medicine arrived
22nd November - heading off to Rawang for mission trip briefing and training
24th November - Heading into Miri and from there, an 8 hour 4wd into Lg Banga then 40 minutes boat ride into Long Lamai.
I do not know what to expect, for months I have been waiting for a response, and praise the Lord I got my offer 1 day before my mission trip. I know I made the right choice, I know God is watching over me.
In Long Lamai last year, God showed me a lot. I learned to love His people more, I saw what God wants me to see. I experienced simple faith. I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. Being someone who has always been a 'see to believe' person, I finally concluded that God is indeed there,the same God described to me over the past 20 years of my life.
I see my past , my present and my future. Him giving me a chance, opening doors for me to study medicine conveys a message , telling me that I will become an inspiration to the future. "Being a doctor, its not a job, it's a calling."
I see miracles in the village, some which I am still in awe with. I see clouds of glory, shining above the village, with photo evidence.
2014
I made it to Adelaide for further studies. At times certain events in my life displeases God. Hence, I have made a decision to reenter Long Lamai as a reminder to myself of God's existence.
November 2014
This time I went in as a first year medical student, I have a tad more knowledge about medications and certain illnesses. Being the doctor's assistant, I even gave a talk on diabetes mellitus in Bahasa Melayu to the people there, much to my amazement, even with my limited proficiency I managed to cover most of the important points , thanks to the help of the doctor, Dr Khoo Khong Beng.
God showed me something totally different this year. I have never believed in demon possessions all these while. God showed me one in the village. I was among one the people who stood forward to pray for the demon possessed person and I could feel the spiritual attacks. I never prayed that hard before in my life, and it was one of the most eeriest experience I ever encountered.
I have to say it was the hardest prayer I ever did in my life.While I was praying I could see what the person sees, a woman in white, with long hair and nails, eyes of an owl and the face of a monkey. I shivered in coldness and all my hair stood, i can feel the attacks on my sinful past. I did not fear, I prayed on . If not because of my strong faith, the demon could have leaped on me.
As I have said , I am one of the stubbornest person ever in this world, it is not until I see something to believe in it. I could now say that demons too do exist. Within minutes , the prayers got the demon out of her, and everything went back to normal. It was one of the weirdest feelings I ever had.
Then I learnt that Borneo housed the most ferocious demons and spirits, and that many people has been possessed.
Last year god showed me the power of the Holy Spirit, this year He showed me the power of the evil spirits. and the take home message is , when we are face to face with a demon, there shouldn't be fear, as God is always stronger than all these demons, Faith that is strong is also required.
I learnt more in this trip than I did last year. I learnt the hardships of certain individuals and how God worked in their lives. I learnt to love more than I ever could, and I gained confirmation of my faith. As I go through my medicine course, learning about the wonders of the human body, I am more convinced that there is a God. How can there be no God? The One that puts everything in place. nothing happens by accident. Why is everything so perfectly weaved in the human body, the DNA, the cells, the interconnections?
Deep down I know the answer lies with God.
And as I am writing this, I kinda miss Long Lamai already.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Brief Description about author
Name:Brendan Victor Yang
Age:Secret
H/P,address,miscellaneous:secret
Nickname:Vampire Prince
About me :
Me,I'm juz a kid frm SMK Bukit Mewah,Seremban.You will noe more bout me once I finish writing the other posts.Of course,all of u noe me,if not how did u come into tis blog? That's all bout me. I noe I write all this like I'm very zi lian.Hav a nice day.
Age:Secret
H/P,address,miscellaneous:secret
Nickname:Vampire Prince
About me :
Me,I'm juz a kid frm SMK Bukit Mewah,Seremban.You will noe more bout me once I finish writing the other posts.Of course,all of u noe me,if not how did u come into tis blog? That's all bout me. I noe I write all this like I'm very zi lian.Hav a nice day.
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