It has been a while since I have blogged here. I am now in my final year of medical school, I came a long way to be here. Yet something feels missing, the sense of worthlessness and self doubt lingers.
I battled depression for a long time. I genuinely thought it was gone, since finals were over, when I thought everything is back to normal, when I actually felt happiness. I was wrong, it is still here. Somehow I have to embrace this darkness is part of me. Like a jagged jigsaw, I dont fit anywhere, I can't fit anywhere. The society I am in does not accept me for who I am. Everywhere I go, I was told there is something wrong with my personality, but never what is actually wrong with it, as if I can change that.
I think back on the trials I faced last year. Facing AHPRA and the medical board panel, it felt like yesterday all over again. The matter itself has resolved, but the shadow of it looms above me. I want to scream, shout and just run away from all these problems, forget all these, but they latch on.
Some days I just want to jump into the sea and drown. Or hang myself and get it over with. I never had the courage to do so. Not many people will remember who I am anyway, only a few that matters. For many, it would be more of a favor than anything, erasing my existence from their lives, that would be the only good I would be doing them.
I want to do right by everyone, but I am a broken man. I cannot do right by myself. This ongoing torment, goes on.
